The humor of the seat belt

Ok, how many of you have done this...

You're driving along, whether it's day or night is irrelevant, but you just aren't in the mood for the seatbelt. It's too hot, too uncomfortable, and you're only just going around the corner anyway.

Suddenly, you see the cop car. Just as if someone had lit a match under your bum, you suddenly start flopping around, dropping your cell phone, putting the coffee cup back in the holder, etc. Finally you find the seatbelt, whip it across, and buckle it in.

I know you've done this. You can't fool me. Heck, I may have even done it before, but I HIGHLY doubt it... cough.

Anyway, have you ever thought about what the cop is thinking at the time?

I'll tell you. For the most part, we are laughing our arses off. We're laughing because it's hilarious watching people trying to look calm and cool while doing it, yet knowing that your heart rate probably just kicked up a few notches. But it's also funny because people think that since they "now" have the seat belt on, there's nothing we can do. Some people even give us that smug little smile as they pass us.

Poor, poor people. "Sign here. Press hard, three copies."

What's even a bit more funny, is after I give them their copy, I'll actually tell them how they "might" be able to avoid it next time.

Here's the secret... If you're driving along without your seatbelt on, and you suddenly see the cop car, "don't" try and put the seatbelt on. We're going to see the sudden movements. Believe it or not, you'll have a better chance if you wait until after you pass the cop car before putting on the seatbelt.

Moral of the story... wear the darn seatbelt. But if you don't want to, that's fine, because I could always use a good laugh.

If we die in dreams...

"If we die in our dreams, do we die in real life?" Ahh, one of the age old questions dating back to, umm, a while ago I guess. I've known people that believe that you will die if you die in your dreams. I'm not sure how they tested their hypothesis (woo, 25cent word there). Other people have said that you will not die. That's a little easier direction for testing.

The thought makes me think of the Matrix movies. "If we die in here, do we die in real life?" (Or something to that effect). Thanks to Lawrence Fishburne, he tells us that "the mind cannot live without the body". I realize that "the matrix" isn't really a dream (and yes, I get the whole Hollywood movie stuff), but it's still interesting.

Then I think back to the early 80's (late 70's?), of a movie called Dreamscape. At least, I think it was called Dreamscape. Someone better check me on that one... Anyway, it has Dennis Quaid starring in it. It's about being able to "jump" into another person's dream and experience it with them. Good movie by the way. They played around with the idea of killing someone in their dream actually killing the person in real life. Again, the whole Hollywood stuff, but...

Anyway, I'm rambling. (Mwa ha ha). I remember actually having been able to test this whole theory once. There was this one time, in band camp... (oops, wrong area).

No, actually, it was in band camp. I was approaching my senior year in high school, and the marching band went to a resort called Iron Mountain. This was a few months after the movie "Red Dawn" was released. Of course, me and some buddies were really into that movie, and we were big on getting camo'd up, and nuking everything. But there was this one night, I kept having the same dream over and over.

Me and my buddies were the "wolverines", shooting all the bad guys in the mountains. We always eventually got captured. I specifically remember the leader of the bad guys walking up to me, sticking the gun to my head, and pulling the trigger. I remember seeing red, and dropping. At that point I woke up.

Now, I guess some people could say that I woke up "before" I actually died in my dream. But hey, it was my dream, and I can spin it any way I want to ;;stomps foot;;. I was dead meat.

So as far as I am concerned, go crazy in your dreams. That way you can wake up with the thought, "What the heck was that all about?"... and then go back to sleep and try it again.

You called the police for what?

The life of a small town police officer. Working in a department that has fewer members than you have fingers, provides the opportunity to respond to the types of calls that officers in the big cities would never dream of responding to. Sure, we get the occasional "news-worthy" incident, but if COPS were to come here to film an episode, it could easily take a month to get a collection of incidents worthy of national television.

But every once in a while, we get the phone call that makes us forget exactly what type of patch or badge we are wearing on our shirt.

In the small town, during a winter storm, when the power disappears from a house, we get the phone call that states, "Hey, we just lost power to our house." What would the normal response be? Well, I'd usually say something like, "Did you call PG&E?" Inevitably their response to that would be, "No, I don't want to wait on hold. Can't you fix it?"

Then we will get the call that states, "I think my sewer line is leaking/is plugged". I think you know what my question would be. "Did you call public works, or a plumber?" "No, but can you come take care of it?" It's funny, but I don't remember any scenarios from the academy where we demonstrated our ability to fix a power line, or unclog a sewer.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still go. And usually when I get there, I'll look at the situation for a moment, and say, "Yep, you've got a problem here." I'll then make the phone call that is needed. But it just makes me wonder.

But I think the best mind-numbing phone call that was received went something like this. A "be on the lookout" was put out by the county dispatchers for a vehicle with 3 occupants. The vehicle and occupants were wanted for an "assault with a deadly weapon" that had just occurred. So you have several officers from several agencies scrambling to various areas of the county, watching for the wanted vehicle. While I'm in my super-secret-squirrel hiding place, watching the highway, I was advised by my dispatcher that they had just received a 911 call from a resident. This person called 911, because they had a Tarantula outside of their laundry room door. Yes, the big furry spider. Yes, outside the laundry room door. Key word is "outside", as in, outside in the back yard. "Ma'am, you called 911 because a spider is at your door?" Of course, I avoided asking the question, "What does the spider want?"

Now, I'm not particularly a fan of spiders, and I know plenty of people that would rather just turn and run away from them (including an officer in my department, but that's a story for another time). But a phone call to 911. Really?